Crack Myself Up
by Kurayami-ni-Koorime
Summary: Our lives pass us by and with the flow of time we find that not all wounds on our hearts heal; some memories never fade, some people can never be forgotten. PG-13 for saftey issues.


-crys- Adult Fanfiction has been down for a week now! And so... I ANGST.

Everything in _italics_ are memorys, everything else is in first person POV as you will find out!

Disclaimer: I dont own anything, if you sue you REALLY wont get much. ..;

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"_Please? Can I just have... I just want. Once more... let me have a hug?"_

Sometimes I truly regret that. I hate myself for asking such a thing of him, for lowering myself to that level and begging for something I knew I couldn't have. I hate myself for thinking that a hug from him could ever make up for what I was denied.

I think back sometimes and wonder what would have befallen me if I hadn't ever asked him. How would things be if I hadn't turned him around and made him trample over my already shredded heart...?

Would things be different?

Of course not... because I would have asked him to hold me once more no matter what; it was how much I loved him. I loved him with every thing that I was; I love him with everything I am. That's the worst part of it...

I can't even bring myself to hate him for what he's reduced me to.

Oh I can SAY that I hate him, I can say it all I like. It's all I said for the first few years, all I _could_ say. I can say it and have it sustain me in fights and keep the inner fire raging. I can say it and the bodies around me shudder, thanking whatever golden tipped deity they pray to that they aren't you. But I guess I'm not that great of an actor because it can also keep me in debates with her for hours on end.

Not that we would ever reveal what we were arguing about, I wonder if maybe she's trying to get through to me on something different but... No, I know for a fact that she knows exactly what she antagonizes me with. She's too split-ways when it comes to her point, one minute we can be talking about infiltration strategies and the next she'll be lecturing me about how foolish I was to leave you with the last word, to leave you unscathed on my expense, to leave you with the shriveled little remains of a heart I wasn't ever born with.

I couldn't help it...

I _can't_ help it!

I CAN'T!

Do you think that it's easy being me?! The only thing that I might have ever had that could possibly come close to comparing with what you have was my sister. Why do you have everything?! How can you have so much and still turn on me?

Was there something that I did?

"_Don't make me..."_

"_...Please?" _

I hate.... myself.

I have no one else to blame for making you do it. No one else; you even told me not to make you, and I did... You always knew best.

I just wanted a little bit of what you had. I guess that was wrong as well.

I'm sorry.

I can't do anything right, nothing ever goes the way it's planned out in my mind; unless it dies.

Maybe... I should...?

No.

You wouldn't do that, you wouldn't have ever associated with someone as weak as to think like that.

I'm sorry...

But it isn't all my fault; you could have tried. You could have tried just a little harder. You could have...

You always did for everyone else. Why not me...?

Why not me?

"_Please... I can't. Your... Hiei I can't. I don't want yo-" _

"_Please. I won't ever ask anything of you ever again. I will disappear. No one will ever remember me. Just... I need it. I... need it." _

But you never cared...

You didn't.

It was all an act right?

Bullshit.

You cared, you just never cared for anyone but yourself; you selfish bastard.

You don't deserve to have some one like me staring up at the ceiling with this stinging in the back of my eyes. You don't deserve to have that non existent little shriveled up heart that you so cruelly trampled over. You don't deserve anything that I _ever_ gave you. You don't even deserve that life you STOLE.

But you know what? You can have it all; you can have every last thing I ever envied you for. Because... that's how much I cant hate you. No matter how much I may loathe you, no matter how much I can wish for your horribly painful and extended demise, no matter how much the pain that's in my life everyday blinds me to my reasoning of thinking of you; I can't ever hate you.

I can't ever hate you.

"_Kurama please..." _

_The red head sighed and moved forward, nothing about the drawn fox changing as he slowly ambled up against the trembling ebony haired youkai. _

"_Th..."_

_Arms slowly made their way around a tall slender waist, clasping onto the back of a tunic and holding there, waiting for the others arms to return the gesture._

I can't ever hate you.

I love you too much.

Damn it, I have to go and love _you_ of all people. My life is so funny...

_Stiff arms came around the small Koorime boy; arms that held no love or compassion, no caring that a hug entailed. These arms were cold and unyielding. These were the arms that would surely one day kill him. _

Just so funny...

_Whatever it was he thought he could have gained out of that last hug, what ever the reason might have been, he wished he had never made the decision to force another loved one to prove how much he was unloved in the world._

"_Thank you."_

_A retreating back was all the Koorime got for his answer, ghostly images being cast from street lights and into the night around him as the Youko disappeared._

"_Thank you... Kurama."_

The 'clink' of priceless gems reaches my ears and I know the inevitable has happened as I roll over.

I crack myself up.

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And this is the end of the madness. "She" is supposed to refer to Mukro, not Shiori. -chuckles at beta- Poor Hiei, he has his heart beaten once again... by Kurama of all people. Kurama's such an evil bastard in my mind :3! And if you are confused on anything else feel free to leave it in a **review** cause I lub **reviews. **


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